Denial
by ever6
Summary: RyanMarissa - Things we didn't see the first night at the motel. The Escape.


This was supposed to be short, but now- it isn't so much.  
  
~Denial~  
  
Ryan paused at the door of the seedy motel room to ask if anyone else wanted anything, and Marissa looked up at him from the far side of the bed where she and Summer were talking very quietly. She looked quickly back to Summer, who glanced at him standing by the door, then looked at Seth sitting on the couch, and finally turned back to Marissa and nodded her head, smiling encouragingly. What the hell? Why did girls always do that? Everything had to be agreed on by a majority vote before done. Either that or the looks shot all around the room meant they were plotting something. Since Marissa pretty much hated him, and Summer and Seth had tried to verbally exterminate each other all day, it couldn't be good if that was the case. Ryan looked questioningly at Seth, who shot a classic bewildered look back at him. No help there. No one spoke so he went out into the warm night air and paused, trying to remember where the vending machine was. Deciding his chances of finding it were better closer to the office, he walked that direction.  
  
Marissa stood up and reluctantly walked to the door, weighing the chances of this going well. Summer had, surprisingly enough, encouraged her to at least go talk to him, if only to cut the tension for the rest of the trip. She had pointed out that they were supposed to be having FUN, and it was time they both tried it. It had been an endless day with the wreck, hitching a ride, finding a wrecker and a mechanic. Every time she'd even looked at Ryan though, she felt - violent. Probably because every time she looked at Ryan she saw that half-dressed Playboy Bunny wanna-be on top of him. Marissa idly wondered if her intense reaction was anything like Summer's 'rage blackouts'. She looked around and spotted his back moving away a short distance up the sidewalk, and followed. She hadn't seen him for a week since the party, until this morning, and she had firmly convinced herself that she was disgusted at his choice in women, not jealous. She really had no claim on him anyway. Besides, she didn't like him THAT much. Why should she care if he wanted to do Seth's Grandpa's girlfriend? She was just mad that Ryan had pretended that he liked HER. She spent her time with Luke and Summer last week, and acted like everything was fine. No. Everything WAS fine. Marissa smiled a little, thinking of Seth and Summer battling all day. She used to be afraid any contact Summer had with him would result in his immediate shredding, but their non-stop bickering had convinced her he could more than hold his own. In fact Marissa was impressed by Seth's turn-around. He wasn't the same guy she'd given a ride to the model home. It was exhausting listening to them, yes, especially with the tension between Ryan and herself already fouling the air, but she had a feeling whether Summer liked it or not, she had met her match. In Seth Cohen of all people.  
  
Ryan heard a door close behind him, and looked back quickly to see, of all people, Marissa turning to follow him. Which was surprising, no, make that shocking, since all day she would barely speak when he spoke to her, and anything she did say was spit at him with venom. Maybe she was finally thawing towards him. Ryan shook his head. She could just be really hungry. He slowed down so she could catch up. She walked up and looked away from him, apparently not wanting to make eye contact. How long was she going to stay mad? He decided it was a bad idea to try talking to her. Ryan stifled a sigh, and they walked in silence.  
  
Marissa decided this was a truly bad idea. It had seemed pretty simple, go along, make casual conversation, and put the tension to rest. He had made several friendly gestures today, and she was weakening, wanting to at least get along for the rest of the trip. But when she saw him turn back and look just now, she was overcome with anger again. He had this look of - hope - when he'd seen her. What did he want from her? He'd shown that he didn't care about her by sleeping with that - woman. A tiny voice in her head whispered 'you took too long to make up your mind. He gave up.' No! If he cared about me he would have waited, she argued. The tiny voice came back with 'You care about him alot, but you still slept with Luke.' She refused to listen to that. That - it was different. She loved Luke, and Luke loved her. She shook her head, wondering why that sounded so hollow.  
  
Ryan walked up to the vending machine, wondering why she had followed him. She seemed lost in thought and hadn't said a word, just lagging along behind him. Maybe the girls were plotting something regarding Summer and Seth, since Marissa obviously didn't want anything to do with him. Still. Summer was a huge pain in the ass, but Seth was getting the best of her. Ryan would bet anything that no guy had ever shut her down like Seth had on several occasions today. Or shut her up, for that matter. Summer was beginning to realize how much she'd underestimated him. Everyone in Newport had. Now, what to eat?  
  
"OK, we have to pick wisely, so Ding-Dongs or Cheese Stix?"  
  
====================================  
  
"Cheese Stix. I hate Ding-Dongs."  
  
Ryan looked at her for a minute, challenging, willing her to answer the last question. Why had she come to the pool house looking for him the night of the party? He'd given her the opportunity to tell him, since she brought it up first, and she had flaked on him again. When it became obvious the only thoughts she was going to let him in on were the ones regarding food, he gave up and shoved quarters into the machine, a little surprised at the force he used to punch the buttons for the Cheese Stix. Marissa turned to walk back to the room, but he went just past the vending machines, leaned back against the wall, and slid down the cool cement into a sitting position. She glanced back at him, and he held out the bag to her. She looked away for a second, then sat down beside him. They shared the food in silence. He didn't want to go back to the room yet. It was quiet out here, with only the sounds of tree frogs chirping in the distance and the occasional car driving by. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. It was laughable that she'd actually said she wasn't mad at him. Riiiiight. He'd spent enough time with Mom, and on the streets, to be able to cut right through the bull and see the denial. In fact the only person he'd met in Newport that wasn't going about their daily routine cowering behind by a high brick wall of denial was Seth, and to some extent Sandy and Kirsten. He didn't condemn it, because he understood that it was just how people's minds dealt with things they really didn't want to deal with. Growing up the way he did, he had learned to quickly judge any situation, hopefully correctly the first time, and make whatever adjustments needed to avoid the inevitable consequences. Denying that the person in front of you could go from merely irate to swinging a fist furiously in the space of 3 seconds would get you beat up. Telling yourself that the guy crossing the street toward you late at night didn't have a gun and would never use it anyway would get you dead. Denying that your mom was a drunk, and not keeping an eye on her constantly, would end up with the house burnt down by a forgotten cigarette, the bills not getting paid, or her getting fired sooner than later from an endless string of jobs. And denying that your own existence was any more than a pain in the ass to the people that were supposed to love you, well that always resulted in a confused little boys' hopes for comfort and love being crushed over and over, again and again. Better to see the truth, know it and move on. Ryan knew Marissa wouldn't admit she was mad, because that was the same as admitting she cared about him. She didn't want to care after seeing him with Gabrielle, and it was just easier to be with Luke. Luke was safe. Ryan thought maybe she finally realized that she was protesting too much, did care, and was jealous of Gabby during her mini-rant about not caring about Cheese Stix, Ding-Dongs and walking in on him with another girl. The air was a little less tense between the two of them now anyway, since their separate revelations about the night of the party. . She'd had no idea he thought she was back with Luke. She wasn't, and thought he was screwing around on her, or given that they weren't actually together, at the very least had thought he had given up on her. She had thought he didn't care about her. Which was the furthest thing from the truth. A flicker of hope had lit her face, the realization that she'd been wrong and he did care, and he had felt the emotions zinging through him too. She hadn't thought so little of him that she'd just gone back to Luke without even bothering to tell him of her decision. It was a misunderstanding of huge proportions, yes, but still a misunderstanding. Then life and reality had hit him in the face. His life. She was with Luke now. It didn't matter what they had gotten wrong at the party. With just a few terse words they had agreed on this. She had lost the hopeful look immediately and replaced it with a guilty one. And that told Ryan she wouldn't be dumping Luke for him anytime soon.  
  
Marissa closed her eyes and wondered if he was planning on going back to the room anytime soon. She just wanted to lie down and think this through. She had a headache, and was so tired she could fall asleep sitting out here on the sidewalk. She looked over at him and saw that his eyes were closed. He looked so tired and sad. An intense urge to reach out and stroke his cheek overwhelmed her, and her hand was halfway to his face before she caught herself and forced it back to her side. She desperately wished she knew what he was thinking; then reminded herself it didn't matter. She was with Luke. More importantly, she had SLEPT with Luke. That changed everything. She couldn't break up with him now, because, well, because she had slept with him. The tiny voice in her head reminded her she'd have to address the real reason she'd slept with him sometime. She quickly pushed those words from her mind before they became a completely formed thought and told herself firmly that she loved Luke. She lightly touched Ryan's arm and stood up, indicating she was ready to head back. He opened his eyes and looked up at her for a moment, his expression unreadable, then got to his feet and followed her slowly back to the room. She reached the door and tried it, but it was locked, so she leaned against the wall as he made his way towards her. She looked away again, uncomfortable in his presence, sad that with all this new knowledge, absolutely nothing could change. Her cell phone rang as he unlocked the door, and she turned to answer it.  
  
Ryan unlocked the door, then turned, checking to see if Marissa wanted to bring her call inside, but she was walking away talking to her father. He shut the door quietly to give her some privacy. As his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he shook his head with a small smile. Summer and Seth were in the bed together. That was about the last thing he'd expected to see. It was obvious that Seth was making headway with her, but he didn't expect her to crack this soon. After noting their positions, backs to each other, he came to the conclusion that the sleeping arrangements were probably due to another battle of wills, mixed with a small amount of curiosity on Summer's part that she would never in a million years admit to. Regardless of how it had happened, Ryan knew that sharing a bed with Summer would add another layer of confidence to Seth's pursuit of her. He was genuinely happy for his friend. He couldn't imagine being with someone like Summer, but she was what Seth had wanted forever. Ryan was beginning to understand that feeling. As he readied the pullout bed, he heard Marissa through the paper- thin walls of the motel. Ah damn, her parents were divorcing. What kind of an idiot was her father to relay this kind of news over the phone? Add her dads' insensitivity and wildly poor judgment to her ice queen bitch of a mother, and Ryan wondered exactly what kind of home Marissa had grown up in. It went a long way in explaining some of her actions and a lot of her indecisiveness. Her seemingly perfect wealthy life was really anything but. While the divorce wasn't really a surprise, he felt bad for her. While her situation was very different from his, he knew what it was like when your parents didn't live in the same place anymore. She just could not catch a break these days. The door opened and she came in, hiding her face from him. His first instinct was to go to her and hold her tight, but he reminded himself she was Luke's and just offered to sleep on the floor instead. Things may have been less tense on the way back from the vending machine, but they were still uncomfortable with each other, and Ryan had no idea what to do or how to help her. Or if she even wanted him to. Maybe if she gave him some sort of a sign that she needed him. If she would just acknowledge him! She sat on the bed, still not looking to him for comfort or help, hiding her face, and he knew she was crying now. He watched her intently, willing her to turn around and say something, anything to him. His "I'm sorry" made her shoulders heave a little, but she still didn't turn. He watched her hand move to wipe away tears, and then she slid down on the bed to lie facing away from him. The urge to pull her close, wrap himself around her and shield her from everything bad overwhelmed him. He had often wished when he was little for someone to help him like that when the world fell apart, and he desperately wanted to do it for her. He wanted to stroke her hair and whisper to her that everything would be ok, then make her believe it by kissing away her tears. She was falling apart in front of him, and he cared so much about her, more than that idiot Luke; he was right here next to her and yet he couldn't touch her. Frustrated and a little hurt by her apparent refusal to let him help her, he gave up. Giving one last longing look at her back, he turned away from her and lay down, closing his eyes.  
  
The bed was shaking. A muffled pounding noise worked its way into his head. Ryan woke up and looked around, getting his bearings. Motel room. Seth looking at him from the bed, Summer beyond him. Apparently Summer was a hard sleeper. Bed still shaking. He rolled over to see Marissa standing by the door, apparently trying the beat the living hell out of arm of the pullout couch. He got up and went quickly around the bed to her, grabbing her arms and holding them still, and was surprised to see that her eyes were closed. Was she asleep? He'd heard of people doing crazy stuff while sleepwalking, but beating up a couch? "Marissa?" he said quietly, and she still didn't wake, although she was struggling a little to get her hands away from him. He let go and she began hitting him with both of her little fists, not really hard, so he let her, thinking of how good he always felt after hitting someone or something and releasing the anger. Tears began trickling down her cheeks through her closed eyes, and she stopped finally, dropping her head and letting her fists rest on his chest. Ryan put a hand on either side of her waist and maneuvered her around so her back was to the bed. Looking over her shoulder, he saw Seth sit up with a worried look on his face, and Ryan brought a finger to his lips and shook his head. Understanding lit in Seth's eyes, he nodded and settled back on his pillow. Ryan put an arm behind her, bent down and slid the other arm under her knees and picked her up. Her arms went immediately around his neck and as he gently lay her down on the bed, then tried to straighten up, she wouldn't let go, clinging to him as if she were drowning. He reached up to pull her hands away, but as he tried to remove them she began whimpering, eyes still closed. From his uncomfortable position bent over her, he looked up at Seth for help, but he just shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips. Ryan shot him his best dirty look, then decided to just lay down with her. There was no room between her and the edge of the bed, so he carefully put a hand down on each side of her, then crawled onto the bed so he was straddling her. Mesmerized by the view below him, he couldn't help but notice how her long hair was spread out in a beautiful mess on the pillow, and he looked longingly at the sensitive area where the curve of her neck met the smooth plane of her shoulder until his head started to dip toward her. Catching himself just in time and hoping fervently that Seth had gone back to sleep and missed that little show, he reached up and grabbed her hand, removing it from his neck so he could finish the transition. As he moved across her, her other hand fell away and she turned to her side, curling up in a ball away from him, and her tears began again. Mentally kicking himself, desperate to ease her unconscious suffering somehow, he rolled toward her and molded himself to the back of her body, slid an arm over her waist, and held his breath. She snuggled back into him and stopped crying. He let out a sigh of relief. A little stunned at this turn of events, Ryan tentatively brought his hand up, brushing stray hairs out of her face and back behind her ear. Not able to stop himself, he ran his fingers down her neck and up her shoulder, then slowly on down her arm, amazed at the softness of her skin under his fingers. He stroked the hair behind her ear again, and she sighed happily. He turned his head and buried his face in the mass of hair behind her on the pillow, deeply breathing in her scent, then turned back to burrow his forehead into the hollow at the back of neck. She was so warm and close and he loved the feel of her in his arms. It felt good to be able to comfort her like he'd wanted to earlier, even if she was asleep and wouldn't remember it. In a contented haze, he briefly wondered how mad she'd be if she woke up with him like this. He fell asleep while telling himself he'd roll away in just a little while. He didn't want her to get upset and sleepwalk again, did he? Yeah. Just a few more minutes. 


End file.
